Almost Famous

I spend a lot of time being white*. Generally I spend all my time being white. Sometimes it’s significant. Like when people are prejudiced and believe white people make more fun lecturers, or when they have this resentment towards foreigners who come in and work in Singapore.

Another useful tidbit about my race is it makes me marketable as an actor. I should preface this by saying that I hate acting. It gives me no pleasure to see myself on camera, and I find film shoots tedious. Give me my lonely computer to write and I’ll pick that any day over a Hollywood film shoot, or a Ngee Ann student shoot. Yet there are sometimes when the plea becomes overwhelming, and I can’t help but to offer my whiteness to the screen. For example, you may be familiar with some of my earlier work playing “killer white puppet.” Due to scheduling difficultiesI was forced to turn down  the role of “white Japanese internment camp prisoner.” Below I’ve enclosed photos of myself playing the role of “generic white businessman.” I was told that my character has to be white, because when you see a white man with an Asian man, your immediately assume they’re doing business together. Funny, when I went to Thailand and saw 60 year old white men hanging out with 18 year old Thai boys, it certainly didn’t seem like they were conducting business. Oh wait….

 For example, in this scene I’m playing the role of: White-businessman-who-is-so-impressed-with-Singaporean-business-skill.

Pay no attention the adept Singaporean businessman’s shoes.

 Didn’t recognize me? Well perhaps you’re more familiar with my role as “Back-of-White-man’s-head”?

 And while I’m being a bit ridiculous about this whole thing, there was one fun perk about the job: Hazel.

Hazel was in charge of making us look glamourous. I told her I wanted her to follow me around town dilligently. She was so committed to her job she even scraped the dead skin off the inside of my lower lip. Just in case there might be an Extreme Close Up of “Inside-of-white-businessman’s-mouth.”

 Despite my blooming popularity as an ethnic stereotype, I suffer the same pains as other under-appreciated actors: my best work ends up on the cutting room floor. In the finished video, I have just under 3 seconds of screen time. Don’t blink.

This got me thinking about the type of roles I’m ready to bite my white teeth into.

What about:

Fishball Noodle Hawker
Kelong Fisherman
Bus Driver (I prefer SBS 52 if choice is given)
Suria romantic lead

Feel free to join the game. Where else are my talents being ignored while I continue to be pigeon-holed as an artist?

*(Note: I hate the word caucasian. It feels so politically correct and awkward. Please don’t call me caucasian. If I can’t call Chinese people Oriental, then you can’t call me caucasian.)